A note for those who care for someone with depression
Living with depression is hard. Living with someone who has depression can be just as hard, in its own way. It drains your emotions, tries your spirit, and tests your resolve.
A good friend of mine, Tom, cared for a mentally and physically disabled wife for thirty years. He took the role on with extraordinary love, and it cost him dearly: physically, emotionally, and financially. Did he carry it well? Yes, with a grace and patience I have rarely seen in any man. I have also rarely seen a person tested so fiercely. Both things were true at once.
Serious depression works the same way on the people closest to the sufferer, and the closer they are, the heavier the load. A spouse, a child, a sibling, a parent. When one member of a family lives with serious depression, the whole family carries it. I don’t say that to heap guilt on anyone who is struggling. I say it because it’s true, and because pretending otherwise helps no one. The symptoms are hard enough on their own. The things that travel with them, anger and anxiety chief among them, are harder still.
I know how taxing it has been for my wife, Christina, to live with me, especially when my depression peaked between 2010 and 2015. She has been remarkably patient and merciful, and I’m certain there are times she has had enough. It hasn’t been easy for my son, Adam, either.
So let me say this to anyone living with a sufferer of depression: you can make it, and you can make a difference.
Below are some practical suggestions for helping your loved one, and helping yourself. After that, honest words from three people close to me who live this every day.
1. Practical Insights and Suggestions
- You will probably never fully understand how they feel. That’s alright. Set out to love them, not to decode them. Love doesn’t wait until you understand.
- There is such a thing as tough love. Speak the truth, and speak it kindly. The people who help us most are often the ones willing to say the hard thing when everyone else stays comfortably silent. Honesty from someone who has clearly earned the right to be honest can land in a way that careful avoidance never will.
- Encourage them to get help. There’s a fine line between encouraging and nagging, so try not to overdo it. But they do need help, so remind them gently and firmly, and be ready to help with the practical steps, like finding a GP or therapist, or even booking the appointment.
- Listen: actively, fairly, thoughtfully, and patiently. Most of the time they don’t need you to fix anything. They need to know they’ve been heard. Put the phone down, resist the urge to problem-solve, and let them finish.
- Don’t condemn them. Be merciful. Depression is an illness, not a character flaw or a choice. “Snap out of it” has never once helped anyone snap out of it. Meet them where they are, not where you wish they were.
- Give them room, within reason. Let them have seclusion, but not isolation. A closed door for an afternoon is fine. Days of complete withdrawal is a warning sign, not a preference to respect.
- Agree on honesty in advance. If they’ll consent to it, make a pact: when you ask how they’re really doing, they answer truthfully. It gives you a straight line through the “I’m fine” that so often isn’t.
- If you’re ever worried about their safety, act immediately. Don’t wait, don’t talk yourself out of it, and don’t try to carry it alone. Call a professional, a crisis line, or emergency services. Overreacting costs far less than the alternative.
- Learn about depression. Read about the condition from credible sources so you understand what you’re dealing with. It won’t make the illness disappear, but it replaces fear and guesswork with something you can act on.
2. Insights From Others
A. My wife, Christina (written in 2015)
I find myself often frustrated with Mark when he is really down and negative. I feel like saying, “Grow up. Just deal with it”. I also become irritated with his “ups and downs”—the emotional highs and lows that he experiences so often. Also, it is draining to regularly be trying to shield our son, Adam, from Mark’s mood swings, without compromising Mark’s relationship with Adam. This is very difficult.
I frequently lose my patience with Mark when he gets in his “woe is me” space, when he sees everything in life as bad and negative. This frustration and impatience slowly builds up and eventually leads to an angry outburst in which I confront Mark in exasperation and infuriation.
How do I deal with it all?
Sometimes I allow myself some anger in solitude, where I rant and rave, to God, and to myself. Otherwise, I end up being like a pressure cooker; I hold it all in and eventually explode. You have to let off steam gradually to ease the pressure.
Also, I take some time off to pamper myself. This helps me emotionally, enabling me to calm down and treat Mark nicely.
Last, I talk with others going through a situation similar to mine, and get tips on how to cope.
B. A friend whose wife suffers from depression
For me, being married to someone with serious depression is frustrating. Nothing you say or do seems to bring comfort to the one you love. You desire to relieve the pain and sorrow but you are very aware that there is not much you can do. The marriage relationship definitely suffers; there can be times of loneliness as your partner seems very distant. Marriage is becoming one with your spouse under God; but when your spouse is depressed, it is as if a part of you is missing.
Though I sympathise with my wife, that sympathy and patience seem to wear thin over time, and my frustration manifests itself in ways that dishonour God and my wife. These are the times I have to remind myself to love her as Christ loved the church—unconditionally. My love for her must be based upon my decision to love, not based upon how I feel or how I am treated.
If you are struggling in living with a depressed loved one, I would encourage you to seek help as soon as possible—not only for your loved one, but for yourself. Seek wise counsel and medical assistance straightaway, because depression and anxiety won’t go away on their own. If you procrastinate, hoping that it will get better by itself, then the situation will be much worse by the time you realise that it’s gone too far and you waited too long.
C. A friend whose wife has bipolar
Being married to someone with bipolar is challenging!
At first we were both in the dark as to what was happening, so it became quite unnerving and challenging to recognise and understand my wife’s behaviour. Once we understood the diagnosis it was a little easier to accept the inconsistencies that appeared in behaviour. After living with a spouse who lives with the infirmity of bipolar depression for 30 years, I have accepted the limitations of my spouse, and I adjust my expectations accordingly.
Looking back, I wish I had sought help sooner, rather than listening to the multitude of backyard doctors, as well-meaning as they may have been. Good professional help has helped me to deal with this challenging situation; and a biblical understanding of depression has helped to remove a stigma that is often attached to Christians suffering with depression.
I have come to understand that my role will be that of a carer at times, and that I must love my wife as myself during the trying times, knowing that God makes no mistakes. Letting my wife know that my love for her is unconditional and is never in question, even when I need to make difficult decisions in the process of her treatment, has seemed to help her greatly. If you are struggling to live with someone who is experiencing depression, I urge you to be there for them in every stage and to be patient with them.
To every carer, spouse, parent, and friend reading this: your love is not wasted, even on the days it feels invisible. You may not be able to lift the weight off them. You can refuse to let them carry it alone. That matters more than you know.
